Returning to corporate America to work for The Man has one big downside.

Now that I’ve conquered that “first blog post after so long that it’s embarrassing” hurdle, it’s time to get some regularity in my publishing schedule. And since all pregnant women can talk about is being pregnant, expect lots of details on the state of my uterus in the coming weeks.

On second thought – how about them [insert sports team here]?!?

One thing that’s been interesting about pregnancy is how everyone asks the same questions. I imagine it’s much how celebrities feel after being nominated for a prestigious award. “How do you feel? What’s it like? Where do you get your shoes?” So, I’ve compiled a list of the things we get asked most often, along with time- and context-sensitive answers. Luckily, none of our friends are cray-cray or rude, so they say “You’re so cute!” and “When can I start buying presents?” and don’t rub my belly like the baby is a genie granting wishes. I also don’t get asked things like “Daycare! Why would you let someone else raise your child?” or “Do you know who the father is?”

Q: Are you ready?
Short Answer: No.
Long Answer: We have purchased a stroller and some clothes. The clothes are currently stored in the bags they came in, stuffed in the seat of the stroller. Which is in our living room. We were also given a Bumbo seat with tray and a Boppy pillow. Both are in the trunk of our car (along with another bag of gifted clothes and diapers and the pillows and blankets we bought for our childbirthing class because everything in our house is covered in cat hair) since we have no place to put them yet. We expect to be “ready” once the baby is able to clean their own room.

Q: How are you feeling?
Short Answer: Great!
Long Answer: Great!
Longer Answer: I haven’t thrown up once. I can count the pounds I’ve gained on one hand. I still can sleep through the night without potty breaks. I’ve gotten two amazing prenatal massages so far, so my back is feeling pretty good. My feet hurt, but my feet always hurt. No hemorrhoids yet (I’m sure you wondered). Mild heartburn, thanks to my inability to cut back on Coke Zero and Mexican food. No diagnoses of concern. So, I’m just waiting for the moment when my doctor calls to tell me something catastrophic has happened and my baby is actually a severe case of indigestion accompanied by very localized weight gain.

Q: Do you know what you’re having?
Sarcastic Answer: Yes. A baby.
Real Answer: It’s a boy! Or, at least, I hope it is. Otherwise Jason’s shout of “cock and balls” during the anatomy scan makes no sense.

Q: Have you decided on a name?
Public Answer: We’ve got some options we’re trying out. We’ll probably wait until he’s born to make a decision.
Secret Answer: We totally have a name picked out. We just don’t want to tell you. Sorry.

Q: Are you having any cravings?
Answer: Not any cool ones, no. The two biggest have been cheesecake and steak fries (Red Robin – YUM).

Q: What’s the theme of your nursery?
Answer: “A baby lives here.” Seriously. We don’t have the energy or inclination to have everything coordinate. And we don’t have the space to have a nursery – we have a “second bedroom where the baby sleeps with a pullout for guests.”

Q: Are you waddling? (This usually comes from women who have grown children.)
Silent Response: Smile. And then waddle off to find some cheesecake and steak fries.

Q: Are you planning to breastfeed?
Answer: Some women are bothered by this question, but I don’t mind so much since it usually comes from women who either have young children or who are also pregnant. I’m certainly going to try to breastfeed, but we won’t know until after Baby J arrives if I’ll be able to (my biggest concern is that little boobie surgery I had a few years back). Bonus answer – We’re also planning to use cloth diapers, and we won’t be circumcising. Dirty hippies!

I can’t wait for the next two months, when I get REALLY huge and people start to wonder, aloud and in public, if I could be having twins or if I’ve gained too much weight. Which leads us to “Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman.”

• “You look like you’re about to pop!”
• “My sister/cousin/mother/aunt/friend only gained 10 pounds when she was pregnant.”
• “Should you really be eating/drinking that?”
• “Don’t worry – your face will thin out eventually.”
• “When I gave birth, [insert horror story involving stitches, drugs and multiple days of labor here].”
• “So, what are you going to do about it?”
• “You’re naming him [insert name here]? I had a dog named that!”
• “I love standing next to you. You make me feel so thin.”

While I could have pushed this post out to October, just to try and reach an arbitrary goal of two years between posts, I figured I’d play a little catch-up to make sure my freshly scrubbed, spam-free install of WordPress was up to snuff. So, the last not-quite-two years, in no particular order:

• I totaled our car. Our beautiful Honda Fit. *sob*

• I opened, and closed, a brick-and-mortar stationery store. The short version: expensive learning experience.
• We spent Christmas in Costa Rica. Best. Trip. EVAR.
• I learned to knit. And then promptly forgot how to knit.
• Jason started a new job with a company in California. Which means he gets to work remotely and occasionally take free trips to California (with me along as a stowaway).
• I have a desk job again. And I like it.
• I discovered I love guacamole. And tomatoes.

Oh, and this happened: